i promise, i wont sleep till 3 am to make up for it okay. im going to do at least 2 rounds of physics tys mcq before i sleep. ohman. i dont know what to do with myself. i dont why am i losing it like that. it never happened before, i've never lost it before for any exams, not even for blocks. this time, it's like i cant even bring myself to work hard. this is sick. i can't bring myself to do anything, yet in this corner of my brain, there's this thing telling me im going to die like that and i cant die. and so i go to school and give this i-worked-so-hard-but-it-didnt-work look, the kind teachers in school pity me so much and they try so hard to help me. that made me feel so guilty, i want to work hard, even if it's just for them and not for myself. but but but, thing is, even that is not enough to push me to do something more... more... i dont know. im like losing it and i dont know what to do. people around me, all trying so hard to help me, and i feel so sorry to them, so dui bu qi them, i so bu zheng qi myself. Huihong has been reminding me over and over again to study, even taking out time to study with me to make sure i study. Jialing had been stuffing me with VJ papers to make sure i have enough practice and making sure i do them, even offer to pei me study right after her own exams. Krystal has been giving me so so so much encouragement to make me feel better. Ms Chua and Mrs Tan have taken out time to give me more more and more consults to help me do last minute catch ups. I cant even bring myself to say thank you now. it's like... i have fallen so deep, no matter how many ropes you throw down to me, i will die of exhaustion just climbing up the rope. but still, thank you to all who are always beside me, never giving up on me. im going to try my very best to work hard from now on. im making myself study in school tomorrow. no matter what, i must achieve something.

lin peirong, you've got to wake up. you can't live in deception and self-delusion anymore. My dear Lord Jesus, please, please bring me out of this bottomless pit that i've fallen into. im scared.